Circumstances beyond one’s control

I am guessing that there are times in all our lives that there are events that happen for which we have never planned or envisioned. The old saying, “life happens,” occurs every day in every life. We have intentions of living each day a certain way and POOF “life happens.”

Now, this can be experienced in either a negative way or a positive way. Things like a twisted ankle, a botched recipe, a bad weather day, a bad hair day (although I can’t say I know much about those), a car crash, a loss of a loved one or many other things just happen.

“Life happens” also occurs in positive ways as well. A bright warm sunny day, a good breakfast, a comfortable shelter, a found $20 bill in the pocket of a jacket, discovering that there is a heater in the car seat, or a person appearing in your life who lights up the world around you as you exit from a darker time.

When a person loses a spouse, for whatever reason, exiting the dark forest that was  shrouded in sadness and despair can be daunting. A part of what made you “whole” is gone. The emptiness, the void, remains. Having grieved and finally accepting the circumstance means that although friends, coworkers and family may have supported you the whole time, in the end you are still alone. You are alone both emotionally and physically. Deciding how to fill that void raises a whole new set of questions to be answered. One aspect is that of relationships. Do I want to have a new relationship with someone? If I don’t want a relationship, will I be okay living alone? If I do want a relationship, when is the “correct” time to establish that relationship?

Living alone, for all intents and purposes, is a good thing if it fits your personality. There is a freedom to make decisions based on your personal priorities. Spending time doing things that may not have been possible in the past can be gratifying. Eating to please one’s own palette is a positive self care decision. Finding out who the “new you” is can make living alone a good choice as you transition to a new lifestyle. It is important, however, to be clear that living alone should not be confused with being lonely or loneliness. Being and accepting “being alone” can be a positive thing. Being lonely and experiencing loneliness are matters that may require assistance from an outside source. Make sure you access whatever  sources you need to work through those matters.

Deciding to feel okay about starting a new relationship can have its moments of concern. One might ask when is the right time to seek a new relationship? I suggest the “right time” may be when you can speak about your past relationship while looking forward positively in your every day activity. When it is possible to talk about past experiences with the lost love without having it spoil the positive mood of the conversation may be a good sign that the time is right. The past will always be the past, but it does not have to dictate your future.

And of course, after deciding to seek a new relationship, it is important to know that after a negative experience some may rush into a relationship too frantically. There is a a term called a “rebound relationship” that points to meeting someone, not because you are truly invested in that person but because it is a relationship to “heal the wounds” of the lost love. It is often a rushed experience.

There also seems to be circumstances that appear to be out of one’s control. All of a sudden, out of the blue, a person arrives driven by fate who lifts your spirits and makes you look forward to the next moment when you are together. And while this could be part of a “rebound affect,” if not looked at closely, it also may be just what a person may discover to be a positive long term relationship moving forward. One of the keys to knowing the difference is to know that you are finally moving on from grieving with no heavy baggage attached. If you have worked through your grief and can honestly admit that this new person can not only fill the void you may be feeling, but you can also honestly admit that you have within you something to offer to help her/him fill their void as well, proceeding can prove to be the metaphorical medicine that heals the broken heart.

Everyone, I would you to meet Jan.

Jan, this is everyone.

I can not tell you enough good things about all the great people you may meet while we are together. My friends and family have all been here supporting me throughout this, what I would consider, very long journey. Anything I have needed was available by making a simple request. They have cared for me emotionally, spiritually and have made sure I have all the “survival goods” I needed to move on. Of course, many times, like the old Wilson Ave. parade days, I would mention that no one had signed up for dessert ;-)

Friends and family, I have known Jan for almost 50 years. We have a history that has weaved through our past. And it was the circumstances of Joyce’s illness and passing that have brought us together. Right now, being together, healing together, and positively reinforcing each other is helping our relationship grow and filling the voids from our past. Jan is intelligent, artistic (graphically,  and musically), warm hearted, honest, humorous and as I am learning, very competitive while playing cards.

I am looking forward to having all of you meet her when you and she happen to be visiting Peaceful Pines at the same time.