I had originally wanted to title this “The Gauntlet.” I even had quite a bit of it composed.
The process for me in writing these is to: rough draft, edit, second rough draft, edit, think about what I have written, third rough draft, edit and then publish.
I got to the “think about what I have written” part and it seemed to me that what I was describing is not really what I was feeling happening to me. So then I was at the “start over part.”
It occurred to me that grieving, while at times feeling arduous and defeating, is really more like following a path that is unclear about what is ahead. I would dare say it is much like driving in a thick fog with only the fog lines as a guide.
That is where Carl Sandburg comes in:
Fog
The fog comes
on little cat feet.
It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on.
Grieving is that “cat” that descends upon the mind. Thinking is shrouded and unclear. Decisions are difficult to make. The direction one is traveling in one’s mind is confusing.
But over time, as the fog lifts and as the light brightens the sky, a clearer path emerges. It suggests hope and a brighter future. That is what is happening here at Peaceful Pines. It has been six months since Joyce passed. And yes, I am still sad. But there are many signs that moving forward will be easier as time moves on. Family, friends and even strangers keep showing me that being positive and friendly and caring is the fuel I need to continue on that path moving forward.
“Cephalocaudal, proximo distal,” was something a professor in one of my final education classes reminded me. In this instance, it certainly applies. As time is passing, rational thinking is returning and the rest of my body is becoming accustomed to the new reality of what it is going to be like living alone. My heart is aching less (to be sure there is still sadness) but I am also engaging with others in positive forward looking conversations.
Peaceful Pines will always be my anchor spot, but I see venturing beyond the “safety” of the trees in the future.
Well, not the immediate future. It is a -30º windchill outside for crying out loud.
2 comments:
Hi my half & half brother (((O; Maybe some day it will be 3/4 & 1/4 brother lolol You know you are going to be So Very Good !!!! I haven't had the up frontness to ask you how do you feel about you being alone ... such an awkward question, but I'v oftened wondered. Good analyzation tho. That's where I've gotten my writing habits from lolol I do the same thing, except cut my time in half ((((O: Hay wait a min ... I'm thee oldest, then I taught you lololol It's good to hear you go through those steps, that's what will make you go further & happier (((O: Well as usual I LOVE YOU xoxoxoxoxoxooxo
I’m just guessing but I think this post made Joyce’s spirit smile. Your way, your time. You’ll know. Thinking of you during these days so rich with sentiment.
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